Cad File, with Peter Stringfellow

Hello then.

I am THE Peter Stringfellow and this is my world.

As you can imagine, with my jet-setting lifestyle I've seen many fascinating things within my life over the years, as you would expect.

Because of this I have many wonderful memories of the many wonderful things which I have seen with my own eyes, and (because I'm better than you) I've decided to share some of the lovely things I've seen, looked at and perceived in recent times with all you people (and not so recent) so that you can all "share" in the lovely things I've seen. I own a nightclub.

Here are some of the things I've seen today:

A vole enthusiast trying to seduce bread in a compass shop
Fifteen babies pushing a civil servant up a mountain in Iraq
Shakespeare on a Vespa, mooning at a mouse
Bored monkeys flicking dog dirt at a phone box in Israel
Rory Bremner's wife trying to teach half an otter to play the banjo
The Norse god of bin-bags shouting at lego
Roy "Chubby" Brown trying to hide a drum kit in a Twix
A shrimp with a limp eating stolen ice cream in a wardrobe
Two gay Zulus having an argument about lasers
A priest in an iron lung attempting to Christen a tiger in a night club
Nelson Mandela politely refusing to eat a massive crayon
Paul McCartney chatting up a sword
Roy Hattersley eating yoghurt and swearing at a foetus
A goat on a penny farthing singing a song about a river
A man with a book up his arse trying to bribe his way into a silt factory
A big pile of flid centaurs trying to organise a piss-up in a lift shaft
A Ferengi in a shoe shop, lying about a pair of slippers
A group of lost daleks asking for directions in the middle of Paris
C3PO in drag, trying to make a noise like a helicopter
Dawson's Creek
Anne Robinson's severed head smoking a pipe in Dorset
An overly polite eskimo patiently trying to sellotape a gosling to his forehead
The man from Del Monte wanking in a barn
Gonzo talking dirty to an acephaloid lap dancer
A delighted nun being pelted with oats
A confused sailor pushing rice pudding into a fruit machine with a twig
Denzyl Washington with chicken pox asking some puppets to climb a tree
Ginger Rogers being drowned in frisps for cheating in a sack race
Six thousand well-behaved ocelots queuing up to look at a pork pie
Copernicus at a bus stop teaching the alphabet to a turnip
A wheel barrow full of spiders weeping in a dungeon
An android with leprosy looking for an ejector seat in a haystack
Daisy Duke telling the monopolies commision how much she likes sand
Dennis the Menace trying to hop up a building in Ipswich
A Turk with a cheese grater unloading fondant from a bathosphere
The A team playing netball on the roof of a balti house
A flat baby drinking lager with a spoon
A statue of Les Dennis floating down a river of pig's blood
Sandra Bullock and Jesus, fighting over a McChicken sandwich
Lando Calrissian pushing putty up his nose for a bet
Joan of Arc sketching dentures in a dirigible
A drug dealer at NASA showing a stencil to a hen
A vulture dropping beef on a Mondeo
A hippo in a wigwam wiping trifle off a gun

I've done now. I want some crisps.


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