1. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
The Pied Piper of Hamlin
2. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
3. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Snow White
4. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
The Story of Christmas
5. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Tales from the Gloopy Minstrel

I hate figgy pudding

Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum

The Story of Christmas

O nce upon a time, millions of years ago in Arabia, there lived a beautiful princess called Mary Mandolin and her husband, Joseph.

Now, despite being a princess and a bloke married to a princess, Mary and Joseph were very poor. So poor, in fact, that they had nowhere to live and nothing to eat. In fact all they owned in the whole world was a rather shabby donkey, which had just failed its donkey MOT and was of absolutely no use at all. In fact that was probably partly to blame for their whole homeless situation, as most landlords enforced a strict "no pets" policy in them days.

Anyway, Arabia was ruled by a mad king called, er, King Herald, and one day he decided to kill the homeless and marry his horse, because he had syphilis. (The king, not the horse)

Now, hearing this, Mary and Joseph decided that they'd better hide pretty quick, before they got shot by Herald's soldiers, so they looked around for a bit and eventually ended up hiding in some bloke's shed.

N ow the shed was a bit crap and smelly and that, but it was better than being dead and the donkey seemed to like it, so they decided to stay there until king whatshisname... Herald, either dropped dead or moved onto another of his stupid ideas.

Oh yeah, and eventually they ended up having a kid, and they didn't have cots in them days so they just stuck him in a trough.

Now, as soon as the kid was born they knew he was special, mainly because he was the only kid in town with a beard, and some wise shepherds heard about him and came to say hello and give him some presents.

Anyway, while these shepherds were round there was this weird noise and suddenly Peter Gabriel came down the chimney and filled everyone's stockings with myrrh! I swear I'm not making this up. I don't even know what myrrh is.

I think it was round about this time that they decided to call the baby Jesus H Christ...

N ow, when he grew up it turned out that Jesus was a wizard, and he went round doing magic tricks for the poor, kind of like that David Blaine.

In fact, come to think of it, his first trick was being born, 'cause his parents hadn't got round to... you know. (In fact Joseph used to wear this multicoloured coat all the time, so he was probably gay anyway)

Anyway, Jesus got really famous for doing his tricks and everyone thought he was great.

All his mates were fishermen, only they were really bad fishermen. They'd go out fishing all day, but only catch a few natterjacks and tadpoles and stuff like that, but 'cause Jesus was a mate and that he'd turn them all into proper fish. Sometimes he even turned bread into fish, but I don't know why.

And he could do other stuff too... Like, er, turn lead into gold and wine into water. (But that one was a bit unpopular)

And this one time, a leper jumped out in the road, and asked Jesus to heal him. I don't know if he was having a bad day or what, but he turned him into a fish.

A nyway, eventually Jesus got fed up of doing the magic tricks, so he went into the desert for forty winks. And when he woke up he saw this burning bush on Mount Olympus, so he went to have a look and it turned out it was God in disguise!

And he gave Jesus these ten commandments. I can't remember them all but they were mostly stuff like not eating pork on a Sunday and "don't tell tales" and stuff. And something about camels can't go to heaven if they've got a needle in their eye.

But the most important bit was when God commanded Jesus to form the salvation army and kick the Romans out of the Gaza strip club and beat up some money lenders, which seems a bit harsh.

Now Jesus thought he'd better do as he was told, what with it being God doing the telling, but actually most of the blokes he ended up recruiting were his fishermen mates, so it was technically more of a navy than an army, I suppose, but the salvation navy wouldn't have sounded as good or something...

Anyway, his mates were called John, Paul, George, Pete, Judas Priest, Luke, Darth, Moses, Pompous Pilot, Sneezy and Doc. And Ringo who took over from Pete later on.

B ut before Jesus could organise any suicide bombings or anything, the Romans found out all about his salvation army and decided to put a stop to it all.

In fact they'd never liked him to start with, because Romans hate magic tricks and he'd never tell them how he did them.

Oh yeah, and they thought it was a bit sus how he could walk on water in winter, because they didn't know what ice was, for some reason.

So they stuck him up this stick and left him there, and after a bit he stopped moving, so they thought he must be dead so they stuck him in this cave full of treasure.

And everyone thought he'd died for their sins or something, but it turned out he was just pretending - He turned up a couple of days later and it was just one of his magic tricks! Ha!

A nyway, this pissed the Romans off even more, so they nailed him to a Christmas tree this time (probably making out that he was a fairy 'cause he hung around with all them fishermen and that) and that pretty much finished him off.

Then about three hundred years later the Romans decided that he was all right really and they shouldn't have nailed him to the Christmas tree after all, but it was a bit late by then, so they just renamed a pagan festival after him to say sorry, and none of the pagans said owt in case they got nailed to something too.

And, er, that's why we get pissed in December.

TThe End

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