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Saturday 17th Jan 1987

requested by D. Biggins of Taunton

with the Reverend Daniel O'Shelves
the Reverend Daniel o'Shelves

"My mate fancies you."

New Lottery "Jackpot" is Jack Shit

06.03.02 10:15:07 GMT Reporter: Lex Akimbo

National lottery operators Camelot today announced that they will shortly be issuing a new batch of their "millionaire scratch cards" with a guaranteed jackpot prize of sod all.

Reality cheque:
It's all you cretins deserve
The company says that the new cards are aimed at "the apparently very large number of gormless fuckwits who wouldn't know what to do with the money anyway."

The announcement follows recent tabloid newspaper reports concerning lottery winner Eddie Grunnt and his decision to return to his 96-hour-a-week job at the dog dirt factory where he's worked for the last 52 years.

Mr Grunnt apparently made his decision upon discovering that he didn't like the taste of caviar, just six hours after winning an estimated £2.6 billion on the national lottery's "midweek extra thunderball extra" game.

The current director of Camelot, Sir Jim Llewelyn-Bowen, told us that tragic stories like these are far from uncommon.

"Our research shows that, whilst many people enjoy the thrill of watching random numbers appear on a television screen or scraping silver gunk off a bit of cardboard they bought at a petrol station, very few actually possess the mental resources required to responsibly spend a sum of money greater than £7.99" he explained.

"These new scratch cards will allow such people to piss a pound into the wind whilst dreaming of a better life, without any risk of ever being faced with the terrifying intellectual challenge of actually having to live it."

The new cards are expected to be available from all usual national lottery retailers by the end of March.

Players must be 16 or over. And retarded.


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