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Saturday 18th Oct 1997

requested by G. Fox of Penzance

with the Reverend Daniel O'Shelves
the Reverend Daniel o'Shelves

"Do shit-heads go out and get piss-faced?"

Government U-Turn on Controversial Jab

16.03.02 09:15:05 GMT Reporter: Emma Marr

The Government's controversial new "anti-crying" vaccine has been withdrawn and labelled "a complete flop" just seven days after it was introduced into general practice.

The vaccine, known as WeepEx™, had last week been made compulsory for the under fives in a bid to eradicate a terrifying epidemic of needless crying, snivelling, wailing, weeping, roaring and howling.

Phlebora Cartwright, the Minister for Toddlers, told us "We have significantly underestimated the reaction of the nation and of children in particular."

Campaigners have been celebrating after learning of the Government's U-turn, though many remain angry that the vaccine was introduced at all.

Fool injection: Britain's bairns bawled after "flop" blub jab
Rupert Minge, aged four, asked "How can health professionals justify an immunisation campaign on this scale, when it has been proven beyond reasonable doubt that mild to moderate pain is invariably inflicted upon the target population?"

It is believed that as many as 99.96% of toddlers receiving the jab burst into tears and howled within seconds of immunisation.

Phlebora Cartwright added "We have discovered the hard way that this campaign was doomed to failure. However, the Ministry remains committed to wiping out this unacceptable wave of beefing and bawling. Our efforts will now be focused on rapidly developing a lightweight oral muffle, which we believe will achieve the desired result without any associated discomfort."

Debbie Nijinski of the Pharmacological Watchdog informed us that all remaining supplies of WeepEx™ will be sold at a moderate profit to the private medical research sector, where they will be used to hurt monkeys.


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