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American Charity to Offer Guide Dogs for Atheists

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Friday 17th Aug 1973

requested by O. Simpson of Fife

with the Reverend Daniel O'Shelves
the Reverend Daniel o'Shelves

"How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a pedestrian?"

American Charity to Offer Guide Dogs for Atheists

03.06.03 08:25:18 GMT Reporter: Babushka Croydon

A religious organisation in the USA has caused controversy by announcing plans to train and supply a "new breed" of guide dog - for non believers.

"St Bernard's Guide Dogs for the Unsaved", a registered charity based in Utah, say that they hope to use the specially trained animals to "guide these poor lost sheep back to the fold - like on a farm or something".

We talked to the Slightly Reverend Kitty-Jo Brezhnev, one of the founders of St Bernard's, about the scheme.

"For many years now, those whom the Lord has chosen to blind in the eyes have had the opportunity to be assigned a canine guide, to help them find their way around in daily life", she explained.

"In a similar way, those poor souls blind to God's word will now be given a chance to overcome their poorly developed moral sense and be shown the right path by a godly four legged companion of their own".

Let us spay,
In Dog we trust,
The Lord is my German shepherd, etc etc
It is intended that the dogs will be responsible for guiding their allotted heathen in every aspect of their spiritual life.

As well as accompanying their charge to Sunday worship and leading them away from temptation, the pious pooches will be trained to bark all night if they forget to say their prayers, alert the police if they take the Lord's name in vain and piss all over the sofa if they covet their neighbour's ass.

Though many secular and humanist groups have denounced the scheme as "a load of old shitsu" the organisation insist that it is not their intention to cause offence to "filthy hell-bound sinners".

"Our sole concern in this endeavour is the spiritual well-being of all concerned" insisted Rev Brezhnev.

She went on to describe how a set of strict guidelines would be adhered to when assigning a dog to an infidel.

"Before a guide dog is placed with a non-believer they will first be de-wormed, neutered, micro-chipped and house trained, before being put though a rigourous programme of obedience training" she explained.

"As for the dogs, they'll be given a silly white collar and pretty much left to get on with it".


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