Travel News


Brown Slammed Over "Toilet Water Gate"


"Everything's Twice As Big As We Think It Is"


Passing Silly Laws Outlawed


Scientists Discover Most Boring Substance Ever


Fury Over "Bulimic Ready-Meals"


Planning Permission for Beards?


Ozzy: My Re-hab Hell


Space - Now 20% Bigger!


American Charity to Offer Guide Dogs for Atheists

Next 10 »
News Home
News Archive
Discuss this Story
Translate this Story for Non-English Speakers
RSS feed


Monday 16th Jun 1986

requested by B. Collins of Leicestershire

with the Reverend Daniel O'Shelves
the Reverend Daniel o'Shelves

"Kill all the ducks. Put them in a "duck museum".

Charge all the people a buck and a half just to see 'em."

American Charity to Offer Guide Dogs for Atheists

03.06.03 08:25:18 GMT Reporter: Babushka Croydon

A religious organisation in the USA has caused controversy by announcing plans to train and supply a "new breed" of guide dog - for non believers.

"St Bernard's Guide Dogs for the Unsaved", a registered charity based in Utah, say that they hope to use the specially trained animals to "guide these poor lost sheep back to the fold - like on a farm or something".

We talked to the Slightly Reverend Kitty-Jo Brezhnev, one of the founders of St Bernard's, about the scheme.

"For many years now, those whom the Lord has chosen to blind in the eyes have had the opportunity to be assigned a canine guide, to help them find their way around in daily life", she explained.

"In a similar way, those poor souls blind to God's word will now be given a chance to overcome their poorly developed moral sense and be shown the right path by a godly four legged companion of their own".

Let us spay,
In Dog we trust,
The Lord is my German shepherd, etc etc
It is intended that the dogs will be responsible for guiding their allotted heathen in every aspect of their spiritual life.

As well as accompanying their charge to Sunday worship and leading them away from temptation, the pious pooches will be trained to bark all night if they forget to say their prayers, alert the police if they take the Lord's name in vain and piss all over the sofa if they covet their neighbour's ass.

Though many secular and humanist groups have denounced the scheme as "a load of old shitsu" the organisation insist that it is not their intention to cause offence to "filthy hell-bound sinners".

"Our sole concern in this endeavour is the spiritual well-being of all concerned" insisted Rev Brezhnev.

She went on to describe how a set of strict guidelines would be adhered to when assigning a dog to an infidel.

"Before a guide dog is placed with a non-believer they will first be de-wormed, neutered, micro-chipped and house trained, before being put though a rigourous programme of obedience training" she explained.

"As for the dogs, they'll be given a silly white collar and pretty much left to get on with it".


Top of page Send this page to the meek Archive Log Mailing list Contact