The strict new controls on facial hair are scheduled to come into force in December, following the observation by an unnamed government minister that "these terrorist chappies are a right bunch of hairy buggers, aren't they?"

Though critics have condemned the proposals as unfairly discriminating against even law abiding beardies, supporters of the move have pointed out that out that "Ahhh! You love Saddam Hussein! You love Saddam Hussein and want to snog his beard! You just said so then! I heard you! I'm telling on you, mister terrorist! Right bad!"

When and if the new legislation is introduced, it is believed that terrorist numbers will be kept to a minimum by the systematic turning down of all applications made by weirdos, loners and "persons of an ethnic persuasion".