"Children can often be seen running around" explained Professor Saul Eggs, of Dronfield University's spurious research facility.

"This must inevitably lead to their becoming quite sweaty." he continued, "And they probably run into smelly things as well, and play in dog excrement." he added.

Reactions to the professor's ideas have so far been mixed, with several of his critics pointing out that Professor Eggs has never actually seen a child.

A leading spokesman for the Japanese tourist board, however, Mr Osaka P'Tayto agreed with the new theory, telling us "Children in many parts of this world have been found to smell quite strongly. They should be gently culled."

But Benjy Christ, 12, a spokesman for children, denied this.

"It's the old people that stink, like.", he insisted, "With their colostomy bags and smelly arses and that."

This article is now sleepy.