08:00 The New Adventures of Oncomouse
Genetically engineered cartoon fun with the lovable cancer-ridden crime-fighting rodent.

08:45 Supermarket Sweep
Sooty's mate squeaks his way around the Wrexham branch of Tesco.

09:45 Match of the Day
My arse and your face.

12:30 FILM: One of our Dinosaurs is Shit
When a brontosaurus skeleton goes missing from London's natural history museum no one is really arsed.

15:00 Big Trek
When Ensign Smith disobeys a direct order to FIRE 99, Captain Jones is ordered to LEFT 30, FORWARD 4 to the nearest star base for a court marshall.

16:30 Aunties Mathematical Bloomers
Hilarious maths blunders. Includes footage of an Open University professor incorrectly deriving the Schrödinger wave equation and then falling into a pond.

18:00 Eastenders
Fictional Cockney anguish.
Repeated every day until you die

19:15 Top Gear
Jeremy Clarkson exclusively reveals which of this year's hot new sports cars best makes up for having a tiny penis.

20:00 Doctor Woo-Hoo
Apathetic time travelling adventures.

21:15 The Gagpipe Show
Suddenly cancelled for no fucking reason.

22:00 Ian McBeal
Truly disturbing television hybrid.

22:00 FILM: Fridge on the river Kwai Zanussi sponsored remake of the classic war film.

00:00 Close

09:00 Wish I was here
VR holiday show.

09:55 The Crew
Fly on the wall documentary series where a camera crew filming a fly on the wall documentary series for a rival channel are followed around and filmed 24 hours a day to see how they like it.

12:00 FILM: Groundforce Day
Bill Murray finds himself mysteriously compelled to watch Alan Titchmarsh dig up a middle aged couple's Hampshire vegetable garden, day after day, seemingly forever - in a manner apparently similar to the majority of the British television viewing public.

15:30 Star Trek: Whatever
Apathetic last-ditch attempt to rekindle some degree of interest in the ailing star trek franchise, featuring a one-legged Welsh Vulcan captain and blind transvestite Klingon first officer flying around the galaxy in a starship shaped like a big metal pair of tits.

17:00 Location Location Location
(Repeat Repeat Repeat)

18:25 Last of the summer A team
Nonsensical TV hybrid.
When Nora Batty's washing is stolen by a South American drugs cartel, BA and Compo are forced to pursue them through rural Yorkshire in a hastily constructed armoured car made out of an old tin bath.

19:30 FILM: Carry On Mr President
Black comedy starring Sid James. When a retarded redneck boy inadvertantly becomes president of the United States his ignorance of international affairs, simple minded gung-ho attitude and complete inability to string together a coherent sentence soon has the US offending the international community, alienating its allies and bombing third world countries with gay abandon - with hilarious consequences!

22:30 Titz
Emily Booth talking about computer games or something.

00:00 Close

08:00 Walking with Dolphins
Poorly thought out computer generated natural history series.

10:00 The making of Walking with Dolphins
As above, but in wireframe and with a tedious voice-over.

12:00 History
(Repeat)

13:30 Question Time
Members of a live studio audience have a chance to put their questions to a panel of politicians and public figures.

14:25 Only Joules and Forces
Schools science programme presented by David Jason.

15:30 What the Papers Mean
Hastily spin doctored current affairs programme.

17:15 World War II on Stilts
High altitude military history.

19:55 Answer Time
Members of a live studio audience receive answers to the questions they put to a panel of politicians and public figures about six hours ago now that they've had time to properly think about them, double check party policy, consult their press officers and have a spot of lunch.

20:30 Tomorrow's World
Science programme for people who are neither interested in nor understand science. This week: The latest advances in embryonic stem cell research are ignored in favour of demonstrating a new type of clockwork coat hanger and Philippa Forrester travels to NASA's jet propulsion laboratory in California to vapidly nod at a leading rocket scientist who, as far as she (and most of her viewers) are concerned, may as well just be reading out David Icke's Christmas shopping list in Cantonese back-slang.

21:15 History Now!
Live from 1943.

23:00 Bashing the Bishop
Late night theological discussion hosted by Professor Richard Dawkins and a baseball bat.

00:00 Close

08:00 Pornographic Testcard
No 24: Vertical frequency gratings and facial cum shot.

10:15 EXTREME Ornothology
Chuffs, cocks and tits.

11:00 The Ku Klux Klangers
White supremacist version of the surreal 1970s children's show.

11:25 EXTREME News
Details of all the latest wars, disasters and murders read by an epileptic sword swallower on acid.

12:45 Pissed Tarzan
Alcoholic vine swinging adventures.

14:30 EXTREME Soccer
Two balls. Three teams. No rules.

17:45 FILM: Pipkins with a Vengeance
A multi million dollar CGI Hartley Hare takes on a group of ruthless international terrorists in this spectacularly pointless Hollywood remake of the 1970s children's television show.

19:30 Classic Weather EXTREME
1992's hurricane in Poland.

20:00 They Think it's All Over
Terminally ill contestants compete for a variety of ultra scarce transplant organs.

21:00 EXTREME Watching Paint Dry
Four teams battle it out in an attempt to watch toxic, VOC-rich, lead-added paint dry in a small, poorly ventilated room with no optical or respiratory protection for the longest possible time.

22:00 I'm a Murderer! Get Me Out of Here!
Controversial game show in which a group of convicted violent offenders are filmed 24 hours a day and a phone-in vote is held to determine which of them should be unconditionally released from prison for no good reason. Sponsored by The Sun.

23:00 International Fox Hunting Championships
Live from the Stade de France.

01:00 Close